


thought i saw the devil this morning (looking in the mirror, drop of rum on my tongue)

by sh_rkboy



Series: if the sky that we look upon should tumble and fall [2]
Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Aftermath of Violence, Angst, Bathing/Washing, Ben Hargreeves Deserves Better, Body Horror, Gen, Implied/Referenced Underage Drug Use, Klaus Hargreeves Deserves Better, Klaus Hargreeves is a Good Brother, Poor Ben, Reginald Hargreeves is a Rat Bastard, Reginald Hargreeves' A+ Parenting, Underage Drinking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-20
Updated: 2019-02-20
Packaged: 2019-11-01 10:21:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 835
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17865485
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sh_rkboy/pseuds/sh_rkboy
Summary: Sometimes, Ben’s body doesn’t feel like his own.





	thought i saw the devil this morning (looking in the mirror, drop of rum on my tongue)

**Author's Note:**

> ahhhh poor ben :( 
> 
> title from jaymes young's song "i'll be good"

He hates the missions Dad sends them on.

Ben comes back from one of them with blood coating his face, the overwhelming taste of copper on his tongue, little chunks of what he knows is human flesh stuck in between the strands of his hair. His hands shake, and he hates the numbness he feels deep in his bones.

“Come along, Number Six. Don’t dawdle,” Dad says, and the boy finally stumbles inside the mansion behind his siblings, trying desperately not to swallow because of the blood in his mouth. Klaus gives him a concerned look, and takes his arm, gently leading him to the bathroom where Mom awaits.

“Hello, Ben,” Mom greets, smiling softly at him. “Are you ready for your bath?” she asks, but it’s difficult for Ben to process her words over the blood rushing in his ears. He breathes in heavily, giving Mom a blank stare. “It’s alright,” she tells him calmly. “Come here, darling,” she says, pulling him closer to the tub.

“Will Ben be okay?” Klaus asks, brow furrowed in concern from where he stands in the doorway. 

“I’ll take care of him, Klaus,” she tells the other boy, who still looks unsure. But he leaves anyway, because Dad walks by and gives them both this look that makes them shiver.

Alone, Ben looks up at Mom, eyes watering as she helps him get into the tub and has him rinse the copper taste out his mouth, as she helps him wash off the blood sticking to his skin. He looks down at the water which has turned dark red, his fingers resting on the surface. His chest feels tight, and when he looks down at his belly he thinks he can see the skin move, the tentacles inside of him, wriggling around, poking at his ribcage, desperate to crawl out of him and take over, to wreak havoc. “Mom?” he asks hoarsely, as she runs soapy fingers through his hair. He tries to take in a shallow breath, but finds that he can’t. He gasps, once, twice, three times, and it feels like dying.

“Just breathe, Ben,” Mom tells him softly, a hand against his neck. “You’re alright,” she says, using a thumb to brush away at the tears that won’t stop streaming down his face, as he tries to stifle his sobs.

When he finally manages to catch his breath, Mom is still crouched at his side, one hand gently running through his wet hair. “Mom?” he finally says, and she looks at him, eyes blank in a way that should not be comforting. “Am I bad?” he asks her, lip quivering.

“Of course not, dear,” she replies, washing the soap out of his hair. “You’re a hero.”

I’m a monster, he thinks but doesn’t say, swallowing hard.

That night, after Mom helps him out of the tub, she tucks him into bed with a kiss on the forehead. But he doesn’t sleep. He can’t. His breath catches in the back of his throat, and he starts to cry, staring up at the ceiling, tears streaming down his cheeks onto his pillow. Suddenly, he hears a knock at the door, and sits up, wiping away the tears on his face.

“Hey,” Klaus greets, opening the door and sauntering in. The boy collapses onto Ben’s bed, and gives Ben a sloppy, drunk hug. “You doin’ alright?” Klaus slurs, and he’s answered only with a sob.

“I hate it,” Ben whispers to Klaus, who crawls under Ben’s covers and curls up around the bottle of scotch he’s carrying in his hands. Try as he might, when he thinks about his powers and he looks at Klaus, in moments like this, he can’t really feel bad for Vanya. In fact, he’s almost envious. He knows she’s lonely, and he feels sorry for her in that sense, but how could she ever want anything like this? How could having powers like these ever be worth it? “I hate being this way,” Ben confesses, and Klaus hums in acknowledgement.

After a moment, the other boy says with a dopey grin, “I think you’re great just how you are, bro.”

Ben lets out a watery laugh. Both of them lie there, content in their unspoken understanding.

“You want a drink?” Klaus asks suddenly, holding the bottle out to Ben.

Ben thinks for a moment. “You know what?” he says, lip twitching as he wipes away the rest of his tears. “I think I will have some.” Klaus grins, eyes wide and manic in a way that tells Ben that he must be crossed. Tomorrow, maybe Ben will say something to Klaus about it, but for now, he’s tired, and he thinks that maybe, just this once, Klaus has the right idea. He just wants to forget.

So Ben reaches out and takes the bottle. “Cheers,” he says, lifting the bottle to his lips. It burns, going down his throat, but something about it feels good, too. Klaus falls back on the bed, cackling.

**Author's Note:**

> if klaus and ben don't get a fucking hug in season 2 i'm going to scream


End file.
